Papa Baby Bond
“Men have biologically based grooming behavior”
© anushkatoronto / Adobe Stock
Is mom still your favorite person? Not necessarily. What fathers can do before and after childbirth for a strong relationship with the child.
Biology appears to be on the side of the mothers. Even during pregnancy, the female brain is reshaped so that mothers react more sensitively to their babies. In addition, they carry the baby with them for nine months, feel its movements, share emotions and food. A bond can hardly be more intimate.
And the other parent? Often she feels like an accessory in the parent team – during pregnancy he: she can do nothing for the baby. We’ll tell you why moms’ loyalty advantage isn’t that great. And what can the other parent* do to catch up.
The male body also adapts
“If future fathers participate during pregnancy and are really emotionally involved, they have similar hormonal changes as women,” says attachment researcher Fabienne Becker-Stoll, director of the Bavarian State Institute for Early Education. For example , testosterone levels decrease, “which allows for more empathetic behavior. For humanity to survive, it was necessary for hormonal regulation to occur equally in women and men.”
After all, babies are born so immature that they’ll need a lot of support for a long time to come. Preferably from both parents. “Men, like women, have biologically based grooming behavior.” In the past, they’ve had too few opportunities to prove it, says the bonding expert.
Bonding tips for dads before birth
As a non-pregnant parent you can do the following during pregnancy:
- Go to the checkups, even if it’s not about your body. Feeling the beating of the little heart is a strong emotional experience.
- Take a course on childbirth, deal with the upcoming event.
- Place your hands on your belly and make contact.
- Talk to the baby in your tummy, share your anticipations, doubts, childhood stories. Your voice will be familiar to the baby after birth.
In the first three months, your baby is still undecided about who will be his or her most important caregiver. During this time, the main bond is formed with the person he cares about the most. “Mothers often have more intimacy early on when breastfeeding,” says Becker-Stoll. “But there’s no connection between breastfeeding and secure bonding. These are independent of each other.” Of course, the binding hormone oxytocin is released during breastfeeding and affects both mother and child. But there’s a similar hormonal pull to cuddling with your baby, holding them, and making eye contact. If dad or co-mom cares for the most intensively at the beginning, he: she can also become the primary caregiver.
That’s why there is a primary caregiver
Don’t get frustrated if your little one prefers mom, even though you’re always on hand to cuddle, play and change diapers. Your child can have more favorite people. The fact that one of these is the primary reference has an evolutionary background. “It’s never about a stronger or a weaker link, but there is a hierarchy,” says Becker-Stoll. In dangerous situations it was essential for survival that a child immediately knew where to turn. Also think about who to go to if a predator attacks.” That’s why some children in acutely stressed situations just let their mother comfort them, even if their partner also has a close bond.
Bonding tips for dads and kids
Here’s what dads can do to strengthen the bond after giving birth:
- If it feels right, being present at the birth can help. On the one hand, you can hold your newborn directly in your arms. On the other hand shows a studythat this changes the male hormonal balance. This still has a positive influence on caring behavior months later.
- Take great physical care of the baby.
- Skin contact has a particularly intense effect. This gives the oxytocin binding hormone a real boost. Feel free to put your baby naked on his bare tummy, cover up and take a nap.
- Take a hot bath together.
- Whatever you do, be as available and present as possible.
Bonding through presence
“There are many ways to develop a good bond with your baby,” says Becker-Stoll. “The most important thing is loving attention.” Bonds are created through comfort, stability, and attention. This is independent of the time you spend with your baby. If you work long hours, you don’t have to have a guilty conscience. The main thing is that you are really there as soon as you get home.
“It’s about interacting. It doesn’t require any special actions, just presence,” says the attachment expert. He sends your child the “I’m here for you” message. This is the best way to lay the foundation for a secure bond.
* Parenting is different, just like family constellations. Even though we use the terms father and mother in our texts, we want to address everyone, including every mapa, pama and eltens. Because you are all parents.
