The relationship with the mother is the first interpersonal connection we experience. So it’s no wonder it can be intense. What begins with basic human needs and pure worship can change over time.
Relationships can be many and varied, and sometimes things happen that push people away. Life can strain even the most important relationships. THE mother-daughter relationship is no exception. While this connection is often idealized in our minds, in reality it is often complex and surprisingly complicated.
Being a mother is hard work. It’s especially challenging because the skills required for motherhood change over time. The needs of your protégés will change. In the long run, being a mother requires not only patience, but also flexibility and the ability to adapt when needed. On top of that, you may always feel observed and criticized by strangers or close family members during your upbringing. Realize that you are doing well at your job as a mom and no one has the right to judge you.
We have already looked at the mother-child relationship in another article. What does a healthy mother-daughter relationship look like?
How parenting styles shape the mother-daughter relationship
Occasional differences between parents and children are perfectly normal. In the healthy parent-child relationships the problem is not whether tensions arise, but how they are managed. The same goes for mother and daughter. According to the researchers, parenting style may influence how one responds to tension and whether it creates a larger conflict. According to them, authoritative parenting produces the best results.
- Authoritative Parents: This is where parents set reasonable expectations for their children’s behavior. But what does reasonable mean? This means warmth and availability. Furthermore, constraints and sanctions are avoided and arguments are used instead. Children feel supported, but can also make mistakes without fear of blame or embarrassment.
- Anti-authoritarian education: With this parenting method, parents do not impose rules and expect little from their children. On the one hand, it sounds idyllic, but according to researchers, it can’t be wrong to experience leadership and healthy criticism. In the mother-daughter relationship in particular, the child may experience tension if he wants a mother and not a girlfriend.
- Authoritarian parenting: Here parents have clear ideas about what their children should be like and how they should behave. Children raised this way can end up being very obedient and capable, but they often don’t know who they really are.
- Rejection Style: This is where tensions can arise between parent and child, due to the lack of attachment and the offspring’s need for it. With this style of upbringing, parents neither challenge nor support their children. The behavior towards the child is rather insensitive and disinterested.
Why is the mother-daughter relationship difficult?
Any mother-daughter relationship changes over time. There is a lot of movement in this connection, particularly between puberty and entering adulthood, which unfortunately has so far been little studied scientifically. Some of this research goes back decades and contains findings that reflect negatively on mothers. Parents and their upbringing certainly shape children in certain ways. But it often happens that mental illnesses (e.g. depression or eating disorders) of women – especially in the world of therapy – are traced back to the mother. And perhaps there is a grain of truth in this. But at the same time, the mother’s accusation is extremely harmful. Fundamentally it is about the devaluation of the maternal role and therefore also the devaluation of the woman.
Society still expects women to shut down and put their own needs first. So how should mothers and daughters listen to each other when women are not listened to in the family and in society? This is how a struggle for power arises. Because neither mothers nor daughters understand that they deserve to be heard. That all women deserve it.
Perhaps today we are one step ahead and Millennials and Gen Z are lucky enough to grow together. But this too can Conflict between mother and daughter drive. Mothers are shown what they were not allowed to do. It can be about career and education, but also about having loving partnerships.
Furthermore, for a long time society has not encouraged women to be honest about their feelings. However, it may happen that her daughter is belittled with derogatory comments or that her achievements are not duly recognized – despite her mother’s unconditional love.
To the communication between mother and daughter to improve, both parties can learn to listen to each other.
It will be this mother-daughter dynamic strengthened, it can be a powerful force against patriarchy. When a mother and daughter meet and learn really listen And you put yourself in the shoes of others, it means that it will be easier for the daughter if she has a daughter. And the next, and the next…
What is a good mother-daughter relationship like?
- Expectations: Sometimes expectations arise from the mother’s experiences with her own mother. These collide with further expectations from the daughter’s ideas about how her mother should behave. Especially in adulthood, it helps not to think of the mother or daughter as someone who can do it all. But as a kind of friend whose limits you accept as part of your personality.
- Mutual respect: This means accepting that there are things about your mother or daughter that you value. It can help to remember these qualities, especially during a fight.
- Accept differences: Mothers and daughters often think they should be thinking the same thing or feeling the same thing. But in the relationship between parents and children, it is often the differences that arouse interest, while the similarities act as the glue.
- Support relationships: Because you feel very close, it is sometimes difficult to accept that mother or daughter can have other important relationships as well. Other relationships can create a balance. And this, in turn, can strengthen the mother-daughter relationship.
- Communication: As in any other relationship, communication between mother and daughter is very important. Accusations, attacks, and just expressing disappointment can get you stuck in a stuck relationship. On the other hand, if feelings are expressed and the other person is given space to talk about their emotions, it can lead to a stronger connection. The feeling that we know each other is sometimes a problem. Because it means we often fail to put into words what we think we already know.
Mother-daughter relationship: 5 questions to ask yourself
Sometimes we just don’t have the words. Or maybe we don’t know the best way to start a conversation. This is certain: it is not always easy to talk about your feelings and emotions. Especially not with parents or children. While daughters may be ashamed of their thoughts, mothers feel no need to show weakness. The following questions can help you understand yourself better and show your vulnerability.
- What was the most important moment of your life?
- What do you particularly appreciate about me?
- What more do you want in this relationship?
- If you could change one thing in your life, what would it be?
- What has it been like being my mother/daughter so far?
Conclusion: Why is the mother-daughter relationship so special?
The mother-daughter relationship can be very powerful – if we recognize their potential and exploit it. Unfortunately, social constraints still today prevent us from appreciating the maternal bond for what it is. But when we realize that when daughters have low self-esteem or insecurities about their body image, the mothers aren’t to blame, then that bond can be taken to a whole different level. Sure, mothers sometimes make mistakes in parenting. but also fathers. And the children, in turn, will do the same with their own children. However, it is important to communicate, show understanding and be open when conflict arises. In this way, a positive generational change can take place, which will benefit many other offspring.
Note: Not all children grow up in two-parent heterosexual families. It is not meant to suggest that these children are necessarily better off. However, there is interesting research on parent-child relationships by gender that we would like to present here. You can read more about the father-daughter relationship here.
Sources used:
- “Sources of Tension in the Elderly Mother-Adult Daughter Relationship”, pubmed.gov1996
- “Mother-Daughter Relationship and Daughter’s Body Image”, scirp.org2015
- “Mother-Daughter Relationship and Daughter’s Self-Esteem”, sciencedirect. com2013
- “Mothers and their adult daughters’ perception of their relationship”, psychologytoday.com2010
- “Childcare Practices Preceding Three Patterns of Preschool Behavior”. psycnet.apa.org1967
- “What kind of education is right?”, kas. deStatus: February 2023
