There are braggart parents in every swimming course, in every parenting evening and in every company aperitif. Our author Anna Funck, also a mother of three children aged between 2 and 12, was blown away. And she wonders: why does this upset me so much?
It all started when my friend Tina wanted to sell me her Julian as a genius. Our kids had just started elementary school and he could do anything.
“Finally it’s not underrated anymore. Write one A after another.”
He was so clumsy that I briefly wondered if he might have another child I didn’t know. I liked Julian, a lovely boy with a heart in the right place and also intelligent. But suddenly Einstein? Mainly because I didn’t think my daughter was stupid either, but she had to deal with it a little more often.
“He’d actually be the best in his class, but he’s not a nerd”
Tina will clarify at the next opportunity. And I was almost surprised that there wasn’t an encore of the pushy variety:
“Well, lately I’ve been fishing in my bag for little letters with hearts on them. The girls like them.”
Then came high school.
“Finally no more elementary school. It was too easy for Julian, he needs more food on his head.”
And now at the latest I was running inside the house, which my husband could not understand at all. “Why are you wasting energy on this? It’s absolutely not interesting.”
And I thought: it’s interesting that he doesn’t find it interesting. Is it a mother thing?
Called the Cologne family psychologist Annika Rötters. She immediately understands what I’m talking about. “Yes, this starts right after birth. There’s this mother in the postnatal course who claims her child first turned over at two weeks of age. Or she would have smiled at you right after birth, which of course is a coincidence because the first social smile only occurs at the age of six weeks Psychologically, however, such narratives make sense because the bond between mother and child is strengthened when the mother believes her child is special, but otherwise is not rather unfavorable Basic belief that the child “should” always be very special. Because this creates pressure – for parents and child.”
I nod into the phone — and this time out of conviction and not as thoughtlessly as I did when I picked up my middle child from daycare.
“Maxi has a fixed date and is always invited to sleepovers”,
her mother had explained to me by looking at the hangers. And of course I also interpreted the unspoken line: “Wow, my son is already a manbuster.” “Oh really!?” I said. And he nodded well. Or the other day in front of the music school:
“She doesn’t play the notes, she knows everything by heart”,
Ella’s mother told me without me asking. Translation: She is becoming a kind of modern female Mozart, but no wonder, her mother has also been playing the piano since she was a child … She nodded!
Yes I understand. Of course, great kids also have great parents.
Because cool kids have cool genes. And older children are also a conquest. They are the result of special support and special commitment. And above all they are the result of a mother who is committed.
This is what is suggested to us. When playing the piano. To the ballet. At the riding tournament. But above all at school: in no other European country does a child’s academic success depend so much on the parental home as in Germany. Even the OECD has repeatedly underlined this. And at the latest with the lockdown due to the corona virus, it became clear: Children who had parents at home who were able to explain the school material had a clear advantage. The Home Care Assistant Teacher is also graded with the children’s grades. Or rather: the local assistant teacher. Because it is still above all us mothers who take care of, support and control homework. If the grades are good, we did everything right. If they’re bad, we’ve failed in the doubt: too much work, too little vocabulary, the wrong mother’s life. Set six.
A school friend recently told my daughter at the National Youth Games:
“I have to come home with a certificate of honor or Mommy will be angry.”
Wow, I thought, imagining his mother taping the certificate of honor to the wall. My message to our son was at breakfast: “Enjoy today, points don’t count!”
I looked inside myself. Did I really care if it was a winner certificate or a certificate of honor? In this case: yes! But of course I also feel the competition. And yes, I know this concern too: I hope my son gets along well in life, finds his place in a company that celebrates success and where cutthroat competition is part of the day-to-day work.
The real art is not in creating pressure, but in trusting
But for me the real art here is not to lobby, but to have faith: that the kids are good the way they are and find their way. Maybe, I sometimes think, it’s just like that: parents who always let it be known that their child is the king of kindergarten lack this trust. You are actually insecure.
“Paul has really good taste in sneakers,”
mused a mother on the playground the other day. And the message was clear from the start: Paul will only be four years old, but sooner or later he will definitely go to Paris and do a Gaultier. Really now?
Family psychologist Annika Rötter brings another thought into play: “A mother who talks about her child like that always says it to herself. It’s a kind of self-confidence in front of an audience. And if that makes us angry as an audience , it’s probably because we feel that their child’s appreciation means a disdain for our child or even ourselves.”
Could it be?, I wonder.
No, I don’t feel devaluation, rather foreign shame. And some anger at the parents who continue to put more pressure on the system. I prefer to let my children be children. Ride for fun, no tournaments. Swim to dive and stay afloat, not to make gold and silver badges. The school pressure is sufficient and fortunately we manage very well. And I think if you don’t charge yourself like a tired horse with competitive activities, you know yourself and your interests much better. I don’t want any fire in my ass from mothers who are pressured to perform. That I let it warm me: my mistake.
So what can you do to avoid bumping into the ceiling all the time?
“Don’t react at all,” says Annika Rötter, “even cheeky mothers act and speak primarily for themselves and not against others. And we can consciously decide who to give an active speaking role in our life scene.
Another variant for the bravest: just ask for it back. “What kind of reaction do you expect from me now?” It could be exciting.
And the more I think about it… Actually, you can feel sorry for the loudmouth moms. Maybe sometimes they just need a loving look and a little encouragement. Especially from mothers who are lucky enough not to have to hit shit like that.
He brags and brags
The greatest hustlers of their time had some success in their boasting: Catherine the Great, for example, embellished her biography herself, and Karl May wrote himself in areas he himself was unfamiliar with. Even Götz von Berlichingen, Heinrich VIII or Casanova didn’t care about modesty. Showing off is a virtue when you aim high. By the way, the following zodiac signs are said to be at the forefront of show-offs: Aries, Taurus, Leo, Sagittarius and Capricorn.
eye for an eye
Even though we now know they have no harm done, here’s a nice response to the ostentation: Sigmund Freud once said “The need for recognition is always caused by an inferiority complex.” Already known?
