What must go, must come out!
42% of German couples argue once or twice a month, 11% several times a week and 5% even several times a day. Unfortunately, that’s the way it is:”Not all of us had good role models as children and were able to do so constructive culture of debate Learn”the expert said.
Instead we heard: “The smartest one gives in” or “Don’t act like that”. At a certain point we internalize: Anyone who argues is unpleasant. Only those who know how to defend themselves and their belongings, especially in a partnership, can make progress. But please be honest! Curses, sarcasm and irony are useless.
The 5 to 1 formula
Did you know that it takes five positive impulses to balance one negative one? This is a lot! “Most couples talk to each other emotionally for up to ten minutes,” Nele Sehrt knows this. She advises: “Show yourself vulnerable! Reveal yourselves: what is beautiful together, what bothers you?” This way negativity doesn’t take over.
The rules of the dispute
There are some requirements that you should comply with. To let you talk, is just as important as not generalizing the issue. Do not pursue the conflict in front of third parties, in public or under pressure.
Asking for forgiveness: how does it work?
Sehrt explains: “You should apologize for your role in the dispute and… take responsibility for the consequences. This includes reflecting on your behavior and saying specifically what you would like to do better next time.” Important: Don’t apologize just because you want to hear the other person’s apology. “It does not work like that!”
Enough!
“A conflict has no victors or victors, only a common goal: compromise as a common path“, says Sehrt. He tries to understand why and how you reacted to the argument and what feelings it triggered. Take the pressure off: you don’t need to get to the result straight away.
The solution may also be try something and check if it works for both of you. This way you stay in a regular conversation about the dispute and become, step by step, a great conflict resolver!
Couples therapist in an interview: “The only thing that helps is: hiding it!”
How do you avoid arguments – and should you?
“I make a distinction between conflict and discussion. There are always conflicts, in every relationship, this is completely normal. Arguing, however, is a way of dealing with conflict. Whoever discusses, that is, fights or avoids it, will not find one Adequate opportunity to find a common solution. Arguments are not good in the long term. They can be very painful, alienating and chip away at your self-esteem.”
Are there rules by which a conflict should be resolved?
“The most important thing is emotional regulation – and here everyone is responsible for himself. When I am angry, my brain is not able to think logically. To calm down, you can leave the room, lift dumbbells… or wait. Because emotions regulate themselves after 20 minutes. Words like “always” or “never” are popular communication killers. The basis of any conflict discussion is respectful interaction, without physical violence or insults.”
Should you always discuss everything or can you just let it be?
“Absolutely. Sometimes things resolve themselves and in certain situations, for example during a family party, I advise against it. No conflict is resolved in an afternoon if it has been there for years. The only thing that helps is: problematic behaviors or topics to hide for a certain period of time.”
The text originally appeared in the 01/24 Jolie issue.
