These are the 12 reasons why a couple lives poorly and a relationship breaks


Laura Peraita



Living as a couple is not easy, and lawyers, accustomed to receiving people determined to put an end to their relationship in their offices, know it. Óscar Martínez, lawyer and member of the Spanish Association of Family Lawyers (AEAFA), explains to ABC that during the first months of confinement, and especially at the end, there was a significant increase in queries from couples decided to break up with their relationship and, in the case of the already divorced, they were interested in knowing how to modify certain measures referring fundamentally to economic benefits, guards and custody. “Confinement has caused many couples to live together to which they were not accustomed, to which situations of great uncertainty, stress, work and economic problems have been added that many have not been able to overcome.

in the already divorced, the modifications of their conditions have derived mainly from the fact that one of the parties has had to close its business, enter an Erte, adjust to new conciliation measures…, which has made our action necessary in this regard» .

According to the IV Observatory of Family Law, carried out by the AEAFA, the age group that concentrates the most divorces is between 40 and 50 years old, which is when you are fully immersed in raising children and generate more conflicts. «With the arrival of a baby, the couple must know how to adapt to an important change in their life, adjust to new routines, give up part of their leisure time for the care of the newborn, agree on how to educate … There are many issues that generate a lot of conflict in many homes. However, Óscar Martínez continues, the reasons why they split up now do not differ too much of those who motivated separations before the pandemic ».

Specifically, from this association of lawyers they point out the twelve main reasons why most people live poorly as a couple and get divorced:

1. Burnout, estrangement and lack of communication to which it brings the stress caused by parenting and work.

2. Falling in love. Sometimes accompanied by the beginning of a relationship with a third person.

3. Infidelities.

4. Economic difficulties. “They make true the saying that when money goes out the door, love jumps out the window,” says Iraizoz.

5. Discrepancies that arise as a result of upbringing and the education of children. Completely different lifestyles and values ​​are revealed.

6. The excessive presence of the respective political families that usually help, but sometimes also drown. Above all, when one of the members of the couple maintains links of excessive dependency with their family of origin.

7. Irritability or bad temper. At home, with our most intimate, our masks fall off. We take advantage of the trust of those who love us most and who need us to bring out the worst of our versions. Our true selves?

8. Choice of a partner with a character incompatible and irreconcilable with ours.

9. Addictions.

10. Gender violence, domestic, inadequate treatment between the members of the couple.

11. Difficulty managing emotions that generates the emergence of illnesses, physical or mental, or aggravation of those already existing in a member of the family.

12. When one of the members of the couple “comes out” accepting his true sexual orientation.

Óscar Martínez explains that as lawyers “it is always important to know the reasons why a couple decides to separate because, in this way, it helps us to understand the cause of the conflict and move towards the search for the most appropriate solution. From a legal point of view, the reason for the breakup is not important, but it is necessary to achieve a satisfactory exit.

non-causal system

In fact, since 2005 marital separation or divorce in Spain is based on a non-causal system. To request and decree it, it is not necessary to allege or prove any cause.. “Before, it was necessary to refer to the unjustified abandonment of the home, infidelity, alcoholism, drug addiction or mental disorders, among other legally foreseen causes,” explains the member of AEAFA, Álvaro Iraizoz.

However, as of 2005, it is enough that at least three months have elapsed since the celebration of the marriage to separate or divorce by mutual agreement. In the event of a contentious divorce, the three-month period for the filing of the lawsuit will not be necessary. when the existence of a risk to life is proven, the physical integrity, freedom, moral integrity or sexual freedom and indemnity of the plaintiff spouse or of the children of both or of any of the members of the marriage”.

Once the three-month period has elapsed, if a contentious divorce is filed, the cause that led to the breakup of that marriage or couple is irrelevant. “It is enough that one asks for it for the judge to grant it. In addition, the judge will not allow, in relation to the reason why the party requests the divorce, allegations or evidence in this regard to verify the existence or not of the cause for which it has been decided to request the divorce, unless one of the causes has some relevance in delicate aspects, for example, the custody of children, details Iraizoz.

The 10 golden rules of a good divorce

From the association of lawyers they have also compiled the good practices for a good divorce in 10 golden rules. They are tips that collect all the knowledge of its more than 2,500 professionals in 40 years of experience advising ex-partners in the process of breaking up:

1. Keep children out of the divorce. Never use children as a throwing weapon against the other parent. The psychological impact of the breakup is less if the parents cooperate.

2. Do not delegate to children and adolescents essential decision making.

3. Try to rationalize the situation. Avoid getting carried away by feelings.

4. Try to reach an uncontested divorce. It is cheaper than an adversary proceeding and will save you emotional pain and time. According to the National Institute of Statistics, 78.9% of divorces in Spain are by mutual agreement.

5. Avoid discussing with your spouse those issues on which they do not agree because they will end up arguing. Leave it for your lawyer. Talk only about those things about which there is no discussion.

6. Try to speed up the process. There is usually no advantage to slowing down discussions about the effects of divorce. The longer a complicated situation goes on, the worse.

7. Avoid comparisons with other divorces from relatives or acquaintances. Remember that each family is different, that all divorces are different and that, most of the time, they are not comparable. Remember that the goal of a good family lawyer is to tailor a suit for your family, avoiding clichés or stereotyped formulas.

8. A good regulatory agreement lasts over time and reduce the conflict. A regulatory agreement is the document in which the spouses agree on the personal and property consequences of a separation or divorce. Its content is agreed upon by mutual agreement and is mandatory after the breakup of the marriage.

9. If there is equity, such as housing, distribute it. It is not good to keep property in common once divorced. It is a source of conflict.

10. Use a good lawyer specialized in Family Law with multidisciplinary skills. It will save you emotional pain and time. In the long run it will be cheaper.

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