“We get very angry with the children, it is the parents who must change”

Laura Peraita

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How many parents feel desperate at some time because their children do not stand still and have to be scolding them all day? Calm! «Children are not bad, they are children! ”, At least that’s what the Doctor of Psychology Silvia Álava assures us. “They are children and, from time to time, they have some behavior that is wrong. That does not mean they are bad. The first thing to do is think, “This is what my little one is doing, is it what I expect?” Sometimes parents can be too demanding and have very high expectations. If I hope that my toddler sits down to eat and is still without moving or disturbing, I also have to lower my expectations because children move and make noise ».

Another different thing, he adds, is when it is observed that they act with a certain evil, that they insult, hit …, that are unable to connect with emotions or feelings of the people around them, they are not aware of the damage they do and, furthermore, they do not repent or ask for forgiveness. “That is different and there we would have to work with them.”

The usual thing is that from the age of two they enter a stage of tantrums because they begin to feel like little people old enough to realize that “I am worth it”, and that is the way to show it to their parents with that anger. «This type of behavior does not imply a problem, but if when he is over four years old he continues with these strong emotional outbursts with which he hurts himself and others, then parents should stop and observe what is happening to him , the causes to analyze your behavior and how we can help you. Among other things, you should sit next to him and talk about what happened: why did you do that? How you felt? How do you think the others have felt? That way it will be much more productive than a yell or punishment.

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Encourage a critical sense

However, the author of “We want happy children” points out that children copy the behavior they observe in their reference adults, their relatives, teachers and in classmates and people they see on social networks. «It is not about prohibiting everything that is not of our conviction so that they only see the world that I want to show them, but to encourage in them a critical sense that what they are seeing, which perhaps is not our ideal model. In that case —matiza— we can watch those videos with them on social networks and reflect with them, plant them, what do you think? What do you think of what they do? If they go with another speech, with the one of “look how badly they are doing it, how outrageous”, it is a formula that does not work because, even, we are transmitting a certain attraction to them. It is better to comment, find out what they think and try to change their initial idea if it was wrong or harmful.

What happens in your opinion is that adults are sometimes so exhausted that any little thing a child does, no matter how small, annoys them. «We are going to stop and focus not only on what my daughter does or says, but on what I do because, sometimes, the first people to change are us. You have to reset and see how to fix the situation so as not to scream because the scream usually comes out automatically because I am in a hurry for the child to have breakfast to run to school and not be late to the office. That does not help education.

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He adds that, to achieve this, parents must be in tune “because The good cop and bad cop thing doesn’t work. The rules and limits always have to be set by the two members of the couple. Another thing is that as we have different personalities we manage it differently, but the norm and the limit must always be the same, “he concludes.

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