Arguing between siblings is normal and even healthy. Since constant conflicts are still exhausting, we have the most important advice for you on what you can do when siblings fight and how you can prevent rivalries.
In imagination it was all so beautiful. Brothers playing together, being there for each other, standing up for each other and joking around together. In everyday life, sometimes it’s just dread. Suddenly there’s an argument about that very little car that’s been sitting in the corner for weeks. A ruler is used to measure whether the two sides of the cookie are exactly the same size. Woe not! Yelling, hair pulling, kicking, spitting, snitching – the range of what families with siblings (may) experience is enormous.
Of course, there are smart solutions on how to deal with quarrels, resolve them or even prevent them. You can positively influence sibling love. Before you do, though, it’s important to understand that sibling quarrels are normal. Moreover, quarrels between brothers are not only normal, but also useful and, in moderation, healthy for the soul. So in order.
How much arguing is normal for siblings?
Research confirms that siblings who fight constantly are normal. To everyone whose children get along, congratulations. However, for most families, it’s a regular struggle. Studies show that between the ages of three and seven, siblings get into some sort of conflict an average of 3.5 times an hour. Children between the ages of two and four also argue about six times an hour, which is every ten minutes. So far, so reassuring.
Because fighting between siblings is healthy
Even the fight has a purpose. Competition and conflict are important for developing social skills. They are, so to speak, a training ground for personality. Themes such as rivalry, jealousy, closeness, reconciliation are experienced in a very limited space, without being able to escape them. Friendships can close, you have to live with siblings and have to deal with them, at least up to a certain age. Which trains you for life.
Siblings can increase the psychological well-being of their brothers or sisters and even mitigate the negative effects of stress from their parents, shows a study. In their struggles, the children learn, among other things:
- Affirm yourself, recognize and assert your own needs and limits.
- Empathize with other people and also consider their needs.
- The ability to manage frustration, redirect spontaneous impulses, and defer needs.
- Also, children develop their individuality by distinguishing themselves from their siblings.
- They also learn when it is important to assert themselves and when they can give in, i.e. compromise and thus resolve conflicts.
Why do brothers fight and what is it actually about?
Children fight over resources, including parental attention, food, property. Evolutionarily, this was important for survival. They compete to be well cared for. Even on an emotional level. And if one of the children feels that something is missing, they suddenly start arguing about the most absurd things. For example, that your half of the kiwi has too few seeds.
Often the discussion isn’t about who gets the cup with the bee, but the underlying topic “Who do you prefer?” or “Give me your attention!” What can happen in your daily life between children – aggression, defiance, anger – are so-called secondary feelings. It is helpful to try to see the underlying emotions. Mostly it is sadness, fear or despair. You have to react to them.
The arrival of a sibling awakens a primal fear in your child. Worry about not having enough. You may have already heard of the so-called dethronement. The feeling of this crisis into which the child falls can be better understood with this example: How would you feel if your partner brought home a second wife or second husband and asked you to marry nicely and you didn’t complain? Also.
Allow for negative feelings
Your kids didn’t choose to have siblings. Allow your kids to get mad at each other and say having a sibling is exhausting, stupid, frustrating. If these feelings are allowed to be present, the space is created for us to engage with each other instead of rejecting each other.
“See the sibling relationship as a lifelong family project and early childhood as the most important training ground,” writes Nicola Schmidt in her book “Geschwister als Team.” He warns that “Brothers must not love one another: we cannot ask them to. They must only learn to respect one another and treat one another with respect—no more, no less.” . So how can you accompany them?
Discuss correctly: these are solutions, not guilt
Since we ourselves have not learned this in any other way, as parents we tend to act as detectives and judges in discussions, according to the pattern “Who started it?”, “Who is to blame?” What punishment follows? “However, if parents act as coaches who help children find solutions, in the long run children argue more constructively and less,” says Nicola Schmidt.
If you ask your children, “Do you have any idea what we can do now? How can we solve this problem?” Ideally, at some point your kids will no longer reflexively say, “It wasn’t me!”, but will say, “We’ll figure this out ourselves.”
Of course, it takes a lot of patience in the early years. Because let’s face it, even most adults still haven’t learned how to argue in a solution-oriented way.
How do you resolve disputes between siblings?
You can let the brothers fight, that’s part of the game. However, children up to primary school age need more guidance and support in resolving their conflicts. The older your children get, the longer you can wait before intervening. An important rule: as soon as violence is involved, you have to act and intervene. Basically you can do the following:
- Separate your children spatially so that they cannot hurt each other, for example by sitting in between.
- Be one-on-one and let each child tell you each child’s perspective one at a time. If necessary, put what you felt into words again and name the feelings you perceive. This is especially helpful when your kids are young. “You’re sad because Karl painted over your picture and you wish he would leave you alone.” “And you’re sad because Emma is busy but you’d much rather play with her.”
- Give both children a comforting hug if they allow it.
- Show your children that you appreciate how difficult the problem is. Name the problem to solve.
- Then look for solutions. Children often have good ideas themselves if you ask them and if they get used to it over time. If not, suggest solutions. Make sure no child feels like they won or lost the battle. Children should work together to find a mutually satisfactory solution. You are only mediator.
- Important tip: Treat your wayward child as lovingly as you do the conformist who causes the least problems. When your child rebels, he is showing you in his (unconscious) way that he needs you. So don’t turn away because of the bad behavior, which would only increase the feeling of lack – and with it the argument.
Ideas for a better culture of debate
These tips will also help you establish a good conflict culture in your family:
- Sometimes a change of situation helps to calm the overflowing feelings. How about a dispute arena, a special place in your home where you have arguments? If children perceive this as a playful interaction, they can engage in it and therefore feel even more free to say what is on their mind.
- Practice strategies with your kids to help them with tantrums. Some children find it helpful to have an anger corner or an anger box with soft balls on which to vent their aggression. The main thing is that nothing is suppressed and suppressed.
Prevention Is Better Than Getting Nervous: How Siblings Become a Team
As important as arguments may be, as parents we internally (or out loud) cry “I can’t take it anymore! I want harmony!” And there are actually some things you can do, even preventatively.
- Look at your children individually and avoid comparisons. Phrases like “Paul always cleans so well, and you’re so shabby” fuel competition instead of cooperation.
- Make a conscious effort not to put labels on your children: the insightful, the troublemakers, the clever, the chaotic. Such fixed roles are restrictive and lead to conflict.
- Try scheduling little moments with only one child at a time. Even if it’s only ten minutes, exclusive time can be a magic bullet against feelings of inadequacy.
- Accept the fact that you can never treat your children completely the same, if only because every child has different needs. One much closeness, the other freedom. Shift your focus to treating them fairly rather than fairly, each according to their needs.
Does it all seem extremely boring and frustrating for little progress or setbacks? Understandable. Perhaps the thought will help you: The relationship between siblings is often the longest relationship in life, lasting after the parents die. It is worth investing in them. As best you can.
Sources used: starkkids.com, Danielle Graf and Katja Seide “The most wanted child of all time drives me crazy: The sibling book”, Nicola Schmidt “Geschwister als Team”, content.time.com, psychotoday.com
