Keeping calm and calm is not always easy for parents in stressful daily family life. An expert explained to us in an interview how you can still manage to set limits for your children in a loving and grateful way.
Remain relaxed in difficult situations and thus give your children a grateful education? To many it seems impossible. It’s not at all! The well-known author and teacher of non-fiction for children, teenagers and young people Heidemarie Brosche speaks in her new book “Should I have scolded him more gently?” with practical instructions and example situations to help you stay calmer. She told us how parents manage to raise their children with delicacy, love and appreciation, without scolding, threatening or yelling. She tells us how in the interview.
PARENTS: Dear Mrs. Brosche, in what typical situations do you observe a great potential for arguments and communication problems between parents and children?
When the child doesn’t want what the parents want. At first you like to try friendly conversation and an appeal to reason, but if the child doesn’t listen, a derogatory or threatening tone quickly creeps in and the voice gets louder and louder. It becomes particularly explosive when time is running out and when the parents – regardless of the child – are already nervously tense.
How can parents avoid scolding, threatening, or yelling a lot in stressful situations like this?
In addition to love, you are also ready for clarity and leadership, which does not mean that the authoritarian behavior of times past is revived. Clarity has nothing to do with creating fear or exercising power. Children need parents who give them support and guidance. Parents must consider their children as beings with equal dignity and take them seriously: this is exactly what has not been done in authoritarian times.
I also recommend:
A) Change of perspective: What is the situation like for my child right now?
B) Prevention: Under what conditions, at what times and in what places do stress and conflicts continually occur? How could it be mitigated?
C) Good self-care from parents, which can also mean asking other people for help. Additionally, parents should periodically examine their lives for unnecessary stressors that have simply crept in.
How can a grateful education be successful? You can list three tips as parents cutest rant Candies?
- If something is really important to you, say it emphatically! It’s not an outburst yet.
- When you criticize, clearly show the child that you only mean his behavior!
- Make the child feel your love even in case of conflict, for example by caressing his arm or giving him a little smile!
When should parents pay special attention to how they treat their children?
When you are in a bad mood and feel like you are reaching your limits. And if there is an audience, not because you have to play the role of super parents in front of an audience, but on the one hand, because it is so easy to feel helpless and ashamed in front of an audience and therefore tend not to react calmly, and on the other hand because children should not be embarrassed and exposed in front of other people present.
What helps parents become more relaxed in everyday family life?
It can be useful to work on your internal attitude: challenges such as the rebellious child or the rebellious teenager are therefore seen as a natural challenge in life. Also, parents can reconsider their attitude towards conflict situations, that is, recognize that the child is not evil, but defends himself and his interests.
In this way the child trains frustration tolerance and the ability to deal with conflicts.
If the child processes the disappointment suffered in a sad or angry way, sometimes this must be endured. Helps to realize that the child is learning: I have personal needs, but not all of these needs can be satisfied. In this way the child trains frustration tolerance and the ability to deal with conflicts.
Do you have any tips on how to properly set boundaries?
Under no circumstances should you set them because “children simply need boundaries.” But if a child endangers his own well-being, he needs a boundary; if he endangers or harasses others, the same. And if parents are certain that they have personally reached the limit of calm, this too is a limit. In all these cases, parents must object clearly, but not in a reproachful and “angry” way, even if the child protests violently.
What if the child completely shuts down when he won’t stop screaming and throws a tantrum on the floor in public. At times like this, many people lose their minds…
If there are witnesses, the parents’ annoyance is also aggravated by the fact that they may feel embarrassed and exposed by the rebellious, undisciplined and “misbehaving” child. I find it helpful to imagine in advance what can happen and play it out in your head. If the situation arises, as a mother or father you will no longer be caught by surprise. In these cases, parents should also make a conscious effort to give affection to the child, that is, stay by her side without talking too much. The child feels: mom or dad are with me even in this crisis situation, but they don’t give up.
How can parents remain respectful and appreciative while setting boundaries?
If parents have difficulty setting limits, two thoughts can help:
- It’s good for my son! The child receives both appreciation and guidance from me, without his self-esteem being undermined by devaluations and insults.
- It is good for our life together and therefore also for me as a mother or father!
Situations often escalate when parents remain unclear for too long and children become more and more excited until the parents’ proverbial patience breaks and, in their anguish and helplessness, they resort to unappreciated reactions and measures.
What do most parents forget when they yell and scold their children?
This not only brings no long-term success, but also harms children. To reassure you: If there is a secure bond between parents and children, if the relationship is good and based on esteem, in short: if children can be certain of their parents’ unconditional love, then they will “forgive” even occasional outbursts. .
And what are the long-term benefits for children when parents model grateful communication and parenting for their children?
They naturally bring this appreciation into their lives: in life with friends, with their partner, and at work. In this way something can change for the better on a social level. And obviously your children will benefit from it sooner or later.
